so i'm an 18 year old female, whose been flip-flopping between identities for years, as a result, i've never had a relationship of any sort, i've never pursued anyone and i've never said yes to anyone because i just didn't know what i wanted. I feel like i'm getting closer, after trying out every sexual identity under the sun.


Girls make me happy, i see a future with a girl, i want to be in a relationship with a female however i'm not sexually attracted to females (as far as i know of, again, i have no experiences, we were only taught heterosexual sex ed at school (bordering on abstinence-only) and i've never been interested in watching porn, i've lived a very sheltered life so far and i don't think its helped). i am however (i think at least) sexually attracted to males, however, despite having many 'crushes' on males back when i was a hormone filled 13 year old, it only now applies to random strangers, celebrities or a theoretical male iv'e made up in my head, who's physically 'perfect' and never has a face or identity of any kind. It feels like its just some sort of reproductive instinct based around the idea of survival of the fittest to be honest, however i could just be guessing that.


As far as i'm aware, im not really romantically attracted to males, whenever i hug my male friends i feel nothing but platonic love for them and i cant imagine kissing or cuddling with a dude (although the idea of kissing and making out does frighten me a lot, but it seems like id prefer this idea with a female). As a very young child, before i knew about sex, i wanted to "be a boy so could marry a girl instead" and didn't understand why everyone was suddenly pairing up at the ages of 5-13.


When we did learn about sex it became more complex, we were taught that sex was meant for having children, i hated the idea, i swore that id never have kids, i didn't like the idea of anyone anywhere near my private parts at all. This carried on until i was 13, where i started getting 'crushes' on guys.


It was always either people my friends liked, or people i thought liked me and i cant remember what i thought when i was crushing on them, i thought about sex a lot but it was always in a "i don't want to be doing this but my mum wants grandkids so here goes" sort of way, and i remember that well, i only remember actually crushing on one of them for longer than a month and he was good looking, a bit of a jock, my friends liked him and mot importantly, into me, it was almost as if i had to like him. I remember a lot of my crushes in my younger years were me picking a random person id had an awkward interaction with and scrutinising whether or not i liked them until i had convinced myself that i did.


After developing a crush on a girl for the first time when i was 15, that lasted a whopping 3 years, up until recently. Over that time i considered i was bi, asexual, pan, aromantic (in denial at that point oops) and a lesbian. Now that crush is over, i'm still attracted to girls but i'm very confused. I know id be fine on the receiving end of sex with another girl but i don't know how id feel about giving it, its a very alien idea to me.


When it comes to guys, i'm much more familiar with the idea, it was talked about every year at school and i know all about it, so it seems more appealing to me, i just cant imagine myself even hooking up with a male, even if i may want to, and find them attractive, i cant see myself wanting to do it, i experience sexual and (very minimal) romantic attraction to males, i just have no interest whatsoever in acting on it. Females on the other hand, i would love a long term relationship with a girl, its just the idea of sex seems strange and foreign and i'm wondering if the crush i had on this girl was just a friendcrush (we were admittedly quite close anyway) and that now i'm just pretending to be a lesbian because its a label that i'm comfortable with.


I am crushing on another girl now, however i don't really know her and i don't fantasise about her or anything, i just really want to ask her out on a date and get to know her better, and i feel like i have to do this before any actual emotional or romantic interest is formed. I feel like maybe i have to be romantically involved with a girl before any kind of sexual attraction is formed too, but thats just a guess.


Is this normal? I don't feel valid as a lesbian because of my sexual attraction (not interest) in males and my lack of immediate attraction beyond a crush to females and am wondering if theres a label that will work for me, i know some people will want to say that i shouldn't label myself but i'm a big fan of order and labels, and like to have words to help e understand things so trying not to use a label really frustrates me. Sorry this is so long and badly formatted, i hope its still readable