{{{{{{{{{{Lexi}}}}}}}}}} Do you have a T? Have you thought of seeing a Grief Counselor? The reason I ask is because my own mother's passing threw me into this illness of anxiety/depression. My counselor told me it was because I had/have unresolved issues with my mom. I didn't want to let go of her, either. What I learned is that you don't need to let go. Your mom and my mom know more now than they did when they were on this earth. They understand completely now.

My mom and I never had the knowledge or the opportunity to talk about HER mother molesting me. I know as sure as I'm sitting here typing that my mother would NEVER, NEVER have accepted that truth! Now she knows. She and I can't talk about it, she can't ask my forgiveness, but what I CAN do is forgive her and deal with my own abuse. In my mind, I look up to Heaven or wherever she is and say "See, Mom? I'm trying to fix it. Don't worry about me."

As for God, you better believe that I was angry at Him! At one point, I flat refused to believe that He existed. By working through my issues with my mom, I learned that nothing is a coinsidence. Everything happens for a reason. The trials that are allowed to come into our life make us stronger, more compassionate and better individuals all around. God, in His love, is behind all of it.

It may be too soon for you to accept everything I've said. That's okay. It takes time, sometimes a long time, to come to grips with the issues we have. Give yourself what you wish your mother could give you. Love yourself, be kind to yourself, be patient. You know she'd want that for you if she was here. I'm saying all of this with an understanding, compassionate smile on my face. I understand. I feel what you feel. Peace will come.