To anyone out there--

I am feeling very scared and alone. This total darkness is deafening outside but inside it is so scary. Tears fill my eyes yet no words come except "please do not hurt me". I sit here yet I wonder where I am, am I alone? Can anyone hear my cry? Does anyone care?

I am shaking as I write this. Memories flooding as if I were not here, this day not real, this place somewhere so far away--yet I write. Unable to reach out except through words that make no sense to anyone with a human mind for they did not have a human mind.

Fear is shooting through every part of me. I want to scream but that would mean I am not together and that is not possible. I cannot breath as my very breath is leaving me. Too much red--too much hurt. I want to run, I want to hide--just get away from what is happening within me.

For it is deep inside that I hold everything away from the world so that I can be good. I just want to be a good girl. It is there that lies what is hurting me, what no one can see. For to the outside I am just quiet not speaking a spoken word--not allowing anyone to see what is happening within. Is it because I feel undeserving or is it because no one is suppose to know.

Inside I feel this welling up of something that is bigger than me. Something I know yet fear more than anything I could write. Somewhere amidst all of this I lie, the one who went away to be able to continue to live. The one who is feeling this darkness that is eating me alive.

I have hid for so long and been strong but I am falling apart. I the strong one without and within. Even I cannot hold this in. A head that is pounding and a heart that is racing, and words within screaming "don't you ever tell, or they will put you where bad little girls go". Words that are so strong because in this mind that never grew still remembers and feels those threats.

Knowing full well that at any given point someone can figure out who you are and you are so scared that you once again shut down, but not without this fear , this gut wrenching fear inside you. Are you really ever safe? Can anyone really care about someone like me. Someone who is so many within, someone who is so afraid to let someone really inside this divided mind.

Hurt is hurt, abuse is abuse--threats are real so much so that at times it would be better to disappear within ones mind. Then no one would have to know or even care. That would not be an option. And the threat would be safe. But where does that leave the one in pain? The one that will want to hurt, and run, and shut everyone out.

For right now I am that one. That one who hurts, and is running, and shutting out the only ones that care. And why? Because it is a known. It is safest and it is something I do well. Me and everyone within. And this silence is only a part. It is not meant to hurt anyone for I am scared. I am scared to go where I know I must allow myself to go. A place where I left someone else to take it--so I could live.

Taking that back--even the thought is ripping my heart away. I do not know if I am even making any sense, all I know is how I feel. Is that these tears streaming down my face mean something. They are real, and they hold a pain that I have not felt. I am scared and I am reaching the only way I know how. It hurts.

Please forgive me for this being so long and not really saying anything. I am afraid to say more at this time, but I am trying--really I am. But thank you for allowing me to write.

cami