I didn't welcome you...I didn't reach my hand out, so to speak, across the wide internet and offer it to you. Inexcusable. Especially after you said how frightened you are. Guess I was focused on my own terror...we humans do have a tendency to focus on self...largely why there is so much terror in the world. And terror this is...even the Terror Management Theory.
I can't offer you anything, but perhaps this is very big, that I understand how you sometimes feel that this is a horror movie. I tend to think it is, oh some good things scattering the bad, but largely a horror movie...Super Bowls and yet unspeakable things being done to the guy down the street, in the next country, wherever, and yet we holler and have a "good time" at young guys knocking each other in the head enough in some cases to cause brain damage that doesn't show up until later in life. Human beings...no one is wrapped too tight...guess on some level, even when so repressed, most are freaked out.
So I offer my hand as someone who gets it. And maybe in the process we'll learn how to live a good life in the midst all this madness. Ideally, we'll learn without some drug the animal in pants guy/girl has made in a lab and doesn't know exactly how that drug affects the brain. If not, we'll try to find the meds which can help us to be inured to this wild sci fi movie we're living. Whatever the case, we'll find a way...to paraphrase, hope springs eternal in the heart of the menopausal woman (who once wasa secular nun and here I am with my life paradigms no longer cutting the mustard, so to speak...very hard, an understatement).
A warm hand to you across the Internet, Anna.
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Originally Posted by anna2468
I'm not sure what I'm experiencing but I'm very frightened.
For the last couple months my anxiety has been the worst it's ever been. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for years, but this is something else.
I can feel somewhat normal most of the time, but occasionally I'll be consumed with a feeling of total separation from reality. It’s really hard to explain.
So for example, tonight: I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and I could not stop thinking about how horrible being alive is and how horrible it is that I’ll have to be alive for a long time. I opened my laptop and tried to watch a happy show to bring me out of it, but it seemed pointless. The jokes and smiles and happy music seem foreign, and almost mocking.
I feel completely divorced from humanity, in the sense that everyone seems fine with being alive, while I’m afraid of it.
When I get in this state, it’s almost as if I’ve stumbled into a horror movie. I start to wonder if I’m existing in a hell-like reality that is only meant to make me suffer.
This is incredibly hard to explain and I don’t think I’m doing it justice. Basically, when this happens, I become consumed with the idea that I shouldn’t keep going. My physical body feels like a prison. No amount of soft pillows and blankets can make my body feel comfortable.
Being safe and warm in my own bedroom feels just as terrifying as walking out into the cold night with no shoes or coat. All I can do is take my sleep meds and hope to feel better when I wake up.
This feels like the beginning of the end. This feels like the first steps into total madness. I don’t know what’s going on with me. Can anyone relate to this, even a little bit?
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