My own expectations, not anyone else's...

I came back from my business trip and launched into trying to manage a full-load of client work. 40-45 hours a week. I'm not sure I want to work 40-45 hours a week. (Because that also actually means about 50 hours a week since I run my own business and need to spend another 5-10 hours managing business tasks.)

I'm okay with full-time work, really. But I am trying to build a work-life balance that suits me, and I work from home and as a consultant so I can have flexibility of my schedule. Right now I have a schedule I've developed (although not exactly executing) that makes time for everything I want to do. I work every day, I take the breaks I want to go hiking, ride my bike, work on my art, etc...except...so far I get my work done, and I have been able to get a few hikes in with my dogs, but that's it.

I know it's a matter of building up endurance, especially since I still deal with some agoraphobia and A LOT of fatigue in relationship to my anxiety and depression.

I think, I'm in a place where I have to very carefully schedule things out. Like every hour on my calendar is scheduled, and it could be a personal thing or a work thing - like riding my bike is scheduled, and work tasks are scheduled, because it's the only way I can manage multiple projects and my work-life balance together. But the thing is, is that right now there are just times when my window for going to ride my bike comes up and I'm just not into right now, I need a nap instead.

The other thing is that I want to do two other things this year: I want to apply to PhD programs in the fall, so I need to get on the requirements for doing that and I want to finish my art collection this spring and show it in the summer, maybe sell some pieces (I don't care about making money, I just want to connect with people with my art). I'm kind of torn between these two things and the conflicts they may present to each other.

I don't know, am I doing too much? Am I too ambitious? When I think of all the things I just typed that I'm trying to do, I'm kind of like, um...when do I sleep? And I mentioned the naps because I have a sleep disorder, so I don't see the naps changing any time soon, and I have created a sort of process with the naps to make them effective and not an all day thing (I only nap for 30-90 minutes-at most-and often I don't even sleep, I just relax and close my eyes and hold my dog and it's quite restorative.)

I dunno what I want or need to hear right now. Anyone ever been here? I'm just, I'm trying to create the life that I want, not the scraps that someone else will give me.

Seesaw