I know that there are some who do not follow the same faith that my family & I do. It was necessary for me to go into the medical hospital due to the lack of eating that I was experiencing. It is not totally anorexia except that I do not eat. A lot of the time it comes from stress & when I eat, & end up so nauseus that I can't get myself to eat food. As I said previously, I thought I had things under control, but since Thanksgiving with everything that has happened, I have completely lost control. I actually have had a very good sense of releif since I had my Mother put into a nursing home where they took better care of her than in the hospital. In the hospital, I felt the need to be with her 24 hrs a day to be there to talk with her when she needed it & to re-assure her that her suffering was nothing that God was making her go through...

Last Saturday, Jan 8, it was necessary for me to go to the ER room for my GP to have me admitted into the hospital. I spend about 1/2 hour talking with my Mother even though I had no idea she could hear me or comprehend anything I said except for a small squeeze of the hand after telling her that God had his place set for her in heaven which was more beautiful than she could ever imagine & that my Dad was there waiting for her after so many years of being apart. I assured her that she was not supposed to be struggling like she was just to stay alive & that God wanted her to be free to not feel the pain nor have to struggle so hard to stay alive because he wanted her home. I left the nursing home late that night & made the hour drive down to the ER where my GP practices.

I found out a few hours later that 2 hours after I had my conversation with her that she died in her sleep & was assured that she had a peaceful look on her face. I have been in the hospital since then & being the only child, have had to make all the arrangements by myself while trying to recover from the stress I went through during the time abuse time that occured while she was at home. I have had many helpful people who have been working with me & setting up the memorial service & I have been working closly with my pastor to set up the grave side service for family & close friends. The situation that occured with the identity theft had made the funeral more complicated than I ever would have thought it would be, but feelings that arose during that time are ones that I just can't put asside.

I have been making arrangements for making donations rather than giving flowers since I feel that donationa are much more meaningful. I have made arrangements to provide to the nursing home, the hospice care, the Aduld Protective Services, & the Lymphedema association so that more research can be done on the lymphedema that comes from the removal of lymphnodes during female surgeries from breast surgery to the reproductive surgeries.

I am relieved that my Mother is now at peace, but am having a hard time realizing that she is not around for me to talk to her anymore when I have problems that she was always there for me. I am only glad that I was there for her at her last time & seemed to give her permission that she seemed to need to leave this world. I will never forget that small squeeze of her hand when I realized she understood what I was telling her.

There is always sorrow that goes along with the feeling of peace & relief that she is no longer suffering.

I am sure many of you have gone through this, & I realize this, but when it happenes, it seems like you are the only one that it is happening to.

I now understand the feelings that many of you have gone through & I can only say how much I now understand what you have gone through.

Unfortunately, I am not getting better while being in the hospital, & am getting more anemic due to lack of eating. I am sure it will have to get better soon, but it seems harder to get food down without the nausea keeping the food from wanting to go down. I have a psychologist & psychiatrist along with a nurtitionist that is trying to find some kind of food that I will be able to tolerate. I would think that I would now be feeling releif & would be getting better, but my brain is seeming to reject it all at this time. I just do not understand what is going on & why I am not responding to the things I should logically understand. I usually can get myself under control, but am struggling so much more that I should be this time.