Okay, so I’m a biologically female teenager who has been struggling to gender related issues over the past three years or so. I’m beginning to find coping with my thoughts and feelings really tough, so I suppose I’d share my experience with people who might be able to offer any support or advice.

In summary, I am not comfortable with my female body. It is the shape of it more than anything that makes me feel a great deal of confusing emotions. My chest is probably the part that causes the worst feelings, though I have at points felt bad about my hips, leg shape etc. I feel trapped by my body; I have this feeling of discomfort that can manifest as anything from a quiet irritation whilst having to wear certain clothes, to an overwhelming, sickening feeling that takes all my attention. It’s such a difficult sensation to describe- I feel like my body is just not comfortable to live in, like an itchy outfit I can never take off. It truly is a draining, isolating experience.

I have tried to cope in a variety of ways. I made the choice to invest in a binder, which has helped me through and given me confidence in a range of situations, but I understand that it is not ideal for body and so I try to limit my usage.

I suppose my discomfort has a social component too. Sometimes, I want to be seen as male, though not overly masculine. Much of the time, I wish gender didn’t exist, so I wouldn’t even have to think about all this. I’m quite involved in theatre, and have a long list of male roles I’d love to play, but sadly, cross-gender casting seems to be very rare (my singing voice also causes me some frustration, as I try to sing male songs and my voice just doesn’t have the right tone.)

I think, if I’d had the choice, I would want to be born male. But I hate admitting that to myself, and I can kind of deal with the objective idea of being female, though I also wish I wasn’t defined by gender at all. Also, I am kind of familiar with my female identity (my name, how others know me etc.) and I don’t think fully transitioning would be right for me. It’s very complicated.

So, I guess I’m mainly here because I am really quite confused, and at a loss as to what to do next. I know that this isn’t normal. I also know that my feelings are hindering my everyday life- they often strike when I’m trying to study, which causes a massive distraction that’s really unhelpful. I’d like to seek some sort of therapy, but I’m terrified, and I don’t know where to start.

Thanks for reading this post. I’d really appreciate any advice or support from people who know their stuff.