Dear T,
I've been thinking about your question: "what is it that I'm afraid to let go?". I've struggled over it for several weeks.
I realized this morning, I don't want to give up my "fortress". We've talked about the fortress I build around myself to avoid letting people in (so they can't hurt me). I can't give it up...it's my safe place. I think, too, that there's a super duper secure vault that's inaccessible and it sits inside my fortress, deep inside the middle. Inside the vault are the super secret things no-one knows or understands. Even me.
I think, on occasion, I'll look out though the peep hole in the door, let someone into the front room of the fortress. I'll sit and have tea with them, but they must leave soon and not stay. It's too uncomfortable. I must be alone. It's safe that way.
This is true even for my husband of 30 years.
Nope. Not letting that go. Can't do it.
The more I think about it, this fortress thing is probably quite common.