My story, where to begin.
My Father was abusive, my father was controlling, manipulative, mean, angry, cold. But, there was this other side to him...this..human side. OH, there were good times, don't get me wrong, but, the good times can not erase the damage that has been done through years of mental, emotional, and physical torment. Even after the beatings stopped, my father controlled every aspect of my life, as well as my being. I didn't know how to break free, and it wasn't until after his untimely and sudden death at the hands of my 14 year old brother, that I began a long journey to find myself, to gain control of my life, and to create meaning.
That was 5 years ago Today, I'm in a much better place then I have ever been in the entire 24yrs of my life. But, I struggle, almost on a daily bases. It is so difficult, to try and recondition all the damge that has been done to me, to try and function in this large insensitive social world, to fit in. I never feel like I quite fit in. I"m in college, and can't seem to make any friends, there is something holding me back. Fear? Lack of trust? The insensitivity and ignorace of others? Why can't I ever feel like I can just talk to a REAL person, a REAL human being? Is it me, and if so, how do I change it? How can I change what has been done to me, and created me to be this person that I am today? Yes, I've sought therapy, I try and to good and healthy things for myself. I went back to school, because I wanted to be educated, to learn, to search, to find answers. What is wrong with me, or is it the world. I just can't seem to fit in anywhere. It's frustrating. So, I keep trying, in hopes, that someday I will find whatever it is I"m looking for. Acceptance? Understanding? Love? Appreciation? I can' t get back what was lost to me in my childhood, and I don't want to go about filling that empty void with detramental things. But, how do I nurture that void? What is "good" for that void, or what is "right"? The things we chastize tend to be the most real things about us.