T yesterday. Chatted a few minutes, then he asked what I wanted to talk about. I said I'd heard back from the e-mail I'd sent MC Monday night. How his response was really nice and basically what I wanted from him, and in the past, it would have made me cry. But this time, I had little emotional reaction to it. T said that was interesting. I said I wondered if it was just a case where the relationship had been irreparably damaged.

I had the e-mail printed out with me and said T could read if he wanted. He said if I wanted him to, he would. Normally I would have handed it to him, but for some reason I didn't. I did read a little excerpt from it about how MC had said that he'd made mistakes with inconsistent boundaries in the past and was sorry about that. T said it was a nice thing for MC to say.

I told him how H said the whole thing with MC almost seemed like a romantic breakup to him, in my reaction. I said I felt weird saying that, but it almost felt that way to me, too. T said how it can be like any sort of loss, how losses--deaths, breakups, moves, etc.--of any sort can hit the same emotional areas. I said that made sense. And how at one point, right after the rupture in December, it felt like I was grieving a death.

He said death is kind of different in a way, because usually, it's not the person's choice to leave you, . But if someone is choosing to leave you, like a breakup of a relationship or friendship, that can be painful in a different way. I said it was also complicated because it's basically my choice to leave MC at this point. Because he emphasized he was still good with seeing me and H. T said that was an interesting point.

I said part of what was bothering me about the e-mail was MC's comment about how he should have been more consistent with boundaries on outside contact in the past. I said that part of me had wanted him to acknowledge that. But another part feels like, if he's saying he should have had stronger boundaries, that he's saying maybe he shouldn't have cared about me as much, or at least shown that care as much. T tried to figure out exactly what I meant by that. I tried to explain more, and I think he got it.

He seemed thoughtful for a moment and said he wanted to ask me something, but was trying to figure out how best to formulate the question. I was like, "Uh-oh." He struggled with saying it, and I said to just say whatever it was. He asked, “So was [MC] contacting you outside of session, with no charge, so on his own time, a sign to you of his caring?" I thought for a second. I asked, "Are you asking this in relation to you, since you do charge for most outside contact?" (I was trying to figure out if he thought I believed he didn't care as much because he didn't allow that.) He said no, that he was just wondering in regards to MC.

I said, "In a way, yes." T asked, "If he had charged you for the outside contact, would you have felt differently about it?" I said I wasn't sure...how if he had done that from the beginning, I wouldn't have known any different. I said I also realilzed that he probably allowed outside contact with all of his other clients. But it still made me feel special in a way.

I said in a way, the outside contact served as "proof" to me that MC truly cared. And I have trouble in general accepting that anyone in my life genuinely cares about me. So it's like I need that "proof."

That led to me talking about how I "test" people, like do or tell them things and see if they still accept me. I said I knew I did that with MC. T asked if I was aware while I was doing it, and I said that MC told me at one point that it's what I was doing and that it's something kids do their parents. I said I knew it wasn't a healthy thing to do in relationships (since I'm not a kid). T said yes, because at some point you might push too far and get rejected. I said I was really trying to avoid doing that with him, and he said that's good. Though part of me wanted to. He was like, "What exactly were you planning?" and laughed. I laughed and said I didn't know.

I said I was also trying not to do that with friends, like sharing all my deepest secrets and seeing if they still accept me (we've discussed that before). He said everyone in my life doesn't need to know all of my secrets. That I probably don't know everything about my friends either. I said that was a good point. And when I saw a few friends recently, I didn't dump any big secrets on them and felt much more relaxed after seeing them.

I said how H knows most everything about me, yet I still struggle with why he would still accept me. So...it’s kind of a losing proposition. Like I can’t trust that someone won’t leave, no matter how much I test them. T said that was a good observation. I said also that it's not like I can prove someone won't abandon me, and he agreed with that.

T commented on how it just seems like I feel so bad about myself. He seemed sad about it. I asked, "So how do I fix that?" He said I seem to focus so much on my negative aspects. That it would help me to think of my positive aspects, too, what I bring to relationships, to friends, to employers. He said, “To give an example, if you thought some of your good qualities were being caring and having a good sense of humor, focus on those. At least half as much as in negative parts.” I said I’d try to do that more. And commented on how I'd recently checked in with a friend to see how a medical procedure had gone, and she'd said how thoughtful I was to check. While I just thought that was a normal thing to do.

I said also that I often thought about people, but then wouldn't reach out. Or, say, I'd forget about someone's birthday until 3 days after. And then I wasn't sure if it was OK to wish them a happy belated birthday. T asked how I'd feel if someone wished me a happy birthday 3 days later. I said it would feel good for them to acknowledge it. He said, "Exactly. A 72-hour-late birthday wish is still nice to get."

A couple times during session, we ended up talking about something off topic, and I was like, "How exactly did we end up talking about this?" Both times, he said, "It was probably me." Once I agreed, and the other time, I was like, "No I'm pretty sure it was me this time." We got back on track pretty quickly both times.

He took out his phone to schedule, and I said I think we're already set for Tuesday. He confirmed and asked if I wanted to go ahead and schedule next Friday, too, especially if I liked this same time. So I did that.

Went to his desk, paid--I said, "I'll be sure to give you the signed slip this time!" I did, we shook hands, he said, "Have a good weekend!" I said, "You, too." and headed out.