I had thought I was depressed but now I am thinking I am a realist. I read a book a few years ago called "learned optimism" that said that optimists were typically factually delusional. And pessimists were accurate. In a sense that book advocated becoming delusional as they advocated acting like optimists to stay sane.

Me I am a realist. But still for most of my life out of ignorance I was able to substitute optimism for ignorance -- but experience is an optimism killer.

In three areas of my life I have accepted the truth in my heart and just can't see things any other way.

Male/ female relations. I am once again giving up. I see it as a severe mismatch. In this point in time in the world men, as far as I meet, want a woman who is stick thin (you always want what is rare); are perfectly 1950s dressed; and have zero issues or baggage. They do not want a smart woman because a smart woman can tell them they are full of it. (routinely at work and on work related things I am only tolerated by the men if keep my mouth shut when they lie or exaggerate). On the women side, for the most part what men have, women don't want. All men seem to value outdoors, sports, and working out. I honestly don't think women really want that. When I think of a male character on tv / movies / books that has women swooning -- by and large... none of those things come into the mix. Think of Mr. Darcy having a scene where he was lifting weights. And I just cannot ignore the fact that the VAST majority of people who I know who are married are deliriously unhappy. If they aren't outright cheating but so unhappy they can hardly mention their spouse without a disparaging word. So, I just can't see me EVER meeting anyone who will be *the one*. This isn't because I wish it or because I haven't tried... it is just the reality.

Corruption. It is everyplace. I went into my profession thinking I wanted to make a difference. Every point where I felt I wasn't making a difference I changed gears until I did. But I have accepted it... there is no difference. It is a bunch of masters who rule the world and do what they want and we are all their minions to be abused and controlled. There are layers of bureaucracy and by and large.. nothing ever changes. I mentioned I was thinking of going to a board that had been formed to investigate sexual harassment in my work place. Well glad I didn't. Because in a record 2 months that board made all its findings and do you know what their recommendation was?? That us... the employees.. NOT THE MASTERS WHO ARE COMMITTING THE HARASSMENT.. get trained. So now for the zillionth time I have to attend a sexual harassment seminar. What a joke.

I saw a story about a guy getting parlayed by a tree branch falling on him and I, for a second, thought, I want to find a solution for people who are paralyzed, but then I thought ... ha... go to another profession and find the corruption and bureaucracy that is in mine. Is there anyplace I can make a difference? I think the answer-- truthfully... is no.

Human Relations. People are just losing their stuff and it is getting scary. I will reference the Trump stuff but you have to admit that people just don't care anymore with regard to things they don't like they are just going to do what they want and act as badly as they feel. But in my own life, as I mentioned I am on a condo board. This week several residents clearly violated policy and they got fined. The fine? A massive $15 dollars. To wit, one offender sent a nasty gram that was unhinged and frankly embarrassing. Filled with insults, filled with demands that he does important things here and thus should be cut a break. His emotions were on full display when, if he thought about it, he would know that he was clearly in the wrong and obviously we can't be cutting people breaks because of "who they are". But no he really does feel we should give him special treatment because he likes to run around during snow storms shoveling out the attractive women in the condo. When really it is just embarrassing to see him trying to make time with them. I just cannot help but feeling that people are losing their civility and their frankly, brains, and manners and are regressing to a lower state. An emotional, somewhat delusional, state. Nothing he said in this missive was close to the truth, which means he either isn't aware of truth or is unable to accept it. There is just so much of that. I can't relate to 99% of humans and I realize it is because I am a realist and many of them are living in a dreamland. Telling them the truth in anyway gets them to hate you with a passion.

So I don't know if I am depressed but I wonder how to deal with these things... this world... the world I live in and don't see changing at least in my life time. Where do I find sources of joy? It is hard to find any lately. Most of my life currently is starting to involve staying in my house at all times. Even going out on a weekend to go shopping can invariably involve someone getting upset with me for taking "their" space or my getting upset with someone for running to beat me in line with they have 700+ items and I have 3.

Joy is something rare and fleeting... where do you find it?