I’ve been struggling with depression & anxiety for over 6 years. I began seeing a therapist in 2013 and got on Wellbutrin in the summer of 2014. Since then, I’ve graduated from college, I worked for a couple years while studying & preparing for the LSAT, and I enrolled in law school last fall.
Once I got accepted into law school and moved out of my parents’ house & away from some family dysfunction, I felt great. I approached my studies last semester with everything in me; spent countless hours in the library, and despite the fact that this experience was very stressful, I thought I’d got into the rhythm of things... until my final exams. Law school exams account for nearly 100% of each grade & my school does not release grades until nearly month after you’ve taken the finals. So that stress along with dealing with the daily struggle of something as simple as getting up in the morning, hit me like a ton of bricks. Then I got my grades & I underperformed. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done academically. It’s almost as if everything I previously learned in school is useless! Anyways, the grades that I got last semester totally shot my confidence. I think about failing way too much. I’ve missed a few classes, my classmates & professors notice the changes in my behavior and my demeanor & everything is just crumbling around me & I don’t know how to stop it! My new therapist is teaching me different grounding techniques & ways to acknowledge my feelings but honestly, I just wanna crawl up into a ball & be left alone. One of my classmates that I hung out with a lot last semester told me that she didn’t know what was causing this “breakdown” but this isn’t me. All I could think was “actually, this is me. It’s just another side of me that you haven’t experienced until now.” I am terrified of failing. Terrified of letting myself down, letting my family down, letting my past consume me. I don’t know what to do. The reason I named this post “What is wrong with me” is because I feel so friggin ridiculous for feeling the way that I do, for not being motivated. I know that there are people who would kill to have this opportunity & I’m throwing it away out of fear that isn’t even real! & I know I should be allowing myself to feel, but it’s so hard when it’s so crippling.
Anyways, thank you for allowing me to vent & I apologize for the length of the post.