I haven't posted here in a very long time. I guess real life finally caught up with me and I've been busy. Today though, I did what I had always thought was impossible, and I could really use some support, encouragement, feedback...whatever you want to say. I cut my mom out of my life for my own wellbeing. Well, I told her that if she ever wants to change her behavior, I might be willing to rekindle our relationship. Knowing perfectly well that it's unlikely she ever will acknowledge the pain she caused me let alone make better choices. I also kept her on my Facebook, but told her that if she posts anything attempting to guilt me out of my decision I will block her. My reasoning for that is that she has health problems and I don't want her to have to wonder rather or not I'm alive.

Right now, I feel immensely guilty with a touch of relief. The guilt comes from the fact that she has a potentially fatal illness coupled with all the quotes you see online about "tell your mother you love her now, you might not get another chance." I'm reminded of one time when I was on the phone with her in a bus terminal, calling her out for her actions...and this man was shaking his head at me like I shouldn't be speaking to my mother that way. He may have thought we were a typical mother and daughter merely having a disagreement. Or he may have been of the mentality that offspring should show complete reverence to their parents because they created them, birthed them and kept them alive. Like that should be enough.

I've made posts here before about what she's done in the past, and what she continues to do. It's a very long, complicated and confusing story that I don't feel like going into now. But I will say that it's pretty serious and has done a lot of damage to me. I don't know how I'm going to cope when Mother's Day rolls around...and then my birthday which is the day after Mother's Day. I'm so worried I'm going to cave and talk to her. Which is just going to hurt me like it always does.

I'm determined to take care of myself though. I know she thinks I did this to spite her (she always shifts the blame to me or brushes away everything I bring to her like I'm a 12 year old mad because I got grounded, even though I'm 24) but it was truly the hardest thing I ever did. I WANT her in my life for the good moments....but the question is, are the good moments worth the pain, the sacrifice, the biting my tongue and agreeing to everything she says? Are they worth me putting myself down and constantly being reminded that the one person who was supposed to love me unconditionally put other people and animals before me?

Am I wrong? Am I selfish? .....