Continue to ponder the idea of how therapy helps me see myself and the world around me as they are, without polyanna pretense that everything is just fine or with catastrophizing predictions about how everything can deteriorate in a second. In reality things and my people are good and sometimes I feel so lucky to be at this stage of my life and able to make the choices that I can. It has been hard, hard work and sometimes I could slip back into the place before I woke up and dropped my defenses and looked at my life straight up. Intentionality doesn't always feel better than just going along with how things have come to be. Maybe one day I'll be all the grateful for that. But I did not realize that therapy would come to be a place where I could just look at things without the b.s. and deal with that.