I stood in the lobby and looked at your elevator. I never miss sessions, and I wanted to come upstairs. However, the knot in my stomach ? I am trying to listen to what it says too.

Trying to be vulnerable & seen brings up bleak harrowing memories and feelings for hours after sessions, which is why I have elaborate ways of avoiding that situation in real life.

I agree with your boundaries and your expertise to set them for reasons known to you ( though cutting the 50 minute hour to 45 just seems gross ethos-wise) , and overall they are a great , safe, novel experience for me. They still hurt some times though . I stub my toe on your boundaries, or trip over one and fall on my face.

Having just fallen on my face tripping over a boundary that hurt last session by being sent out in tears at minute 45 when to me a therapy session is 50 , I have to report failure in the the vulnerability mission I assigned myself. .

In many ways, you are perceptive, clever,on your game, seasoned, trained, and devoted inside the session. In other ways, you seem in even more conflict than me, and I am the patient . How do you want to see/present yourself? You are the life-changing mystic psychologist from Ordinary People, wise , soulful, and giving; You loved the book A Four Hour Work Week, and you want clean and tidy four day week/ three patients per day, in which the patients smile and time goes by quickly.

What IS psychotherapy? you say it is an artificial relationship, and like no other. You have stuck with me, revealed me to myself , and even let tears shine in your eyes. You have also been dismissive, arrogant, and full of yourself- not such huge faults. You are likable,and you are friendly until challenged when you say things I find outrageous like women want children more than men or people who have affairs cant trust others bc they themselves are untrustworthy. You have too neutral a screen for me to say you are conventional, but I feel judged by such broad generalization.

I dont love you, but I like you very much- is that as a person? That is up for debate since I dont know if I do or do not know you as a person.

One thing is for sure, a conversation with you goes on in my mind a whole lot of the time, nd it crowds out BF and others. Is this saving my life ? I have overall improved dramatically under your care. There improvement comes with such anguish on my side, and what on yours? Dunno.

You hurt my pride and my feelings so often, and you also help me grow. What a messy project, one which I b both do and do not want to quit in seemingly equal measure.