It was weird seeing someone that wasn't you. I didn't manage to stay present for much of it so it pretty much feels like a waste of time (not to mention money) and even though I know he's a T and therefore is used to dissociative states I feel like such an idiot. Why couldn't I have just talked to the guy and maybe even kept my eyes open like a normal person? I feel so....defective. So incapable. So stupid. So sick of being me. And I wonder if this can ever be changed. I know you always say it will take a long time...but what if it just isn't possible. This is just me. Forever.