in schema therapy it is very clear that the T is supposed to be open, overt and above board with every aspect of therapy.. nothing hidden at all. The client is strongly encouraged to learn as much as possible about the process.

all sounds great... unless the client plugs her ears.

my T wants to have a treatment plan. He wants to structure stuff, to a degree - ie not as much as in CBT but more than psychodynamic. He wants a lot of stuff that i ain't giving him.

it's not that i don't want to fix things, it's that talking about goals, etc gives me a particular trigger that is hard to explain. i guess in essence, i need a goal about goals.

i have goals, i just cannot lay them out for him yet. i give him bits and pieces here and there. He says he is working blind and i laugh at him.

the way i look at it is this... i work hard at this.. very hard. i take it very seriously. i have things i want to accomplish. So... i'm not going to piddle around and waste my time or my money. i take what he says deeply into consideration.. i try to apply what he says... we do work on concrete things as well as more abstract things. So, it's like my grades at school, i don't go get them.. i know i am doing my best. Same thing with T.. i may lie to myself sometimes, i may get things wrong and i may even behave poorly.. but overall i am doing my best at this. i don't feel i need a big picture map right now. i don't feel like we're spinning our wheels.

i'm curious about the ideas of "diagnosis" and "treatment." i dunno, i mean they are appropriate terms, but it doesn't feel right. i feel i have issues to work on.. but i don't feel like it's an illness. i have been dx'd BPII but we don't go near and bipolar issues, we work on things like my confidence problems. i see myself as having no more or no less issues than anyone else on the bus you know? We all have issues and histories, i'm just trying to do something about the problematic ones and a lot of people don't. How can someone dx the human condition? It's not abnormal to have problems. Curious-er and curious-er.