hmm... fancy-schmancy way of saying i don't feel close to him anymore if there is a break. i see him 2xweek and we had to cancel just one. So, it has only been a week but i feel a million miles away. Right now he knows me in a more honest and whole way than *anyone* ever has, and it makes me jittery. i back up easily and i am quick to find reasons why he might not be on my side.

i feel in some ways that i have reached another hurdle... or could it be a flatline? This could be the limit of my ability to trust. i have no idea... anything more is virgin territory for me.

i am frightened to be honest. i don't know just of what exactly, but i feel very vulnerable and i don't like it.