I also feel very self-hating, I hate myself, I want to punish myself somehow and I want to self-harm.

also sometimes I get really panicky and start freaking out and feel like it's the end of the world. I feel like it's hard to breath and everything is wrong.

I keep feeling like I'm about to cry but can never actually cry, specially during those I'm not even sure I can call them "attacks" they don't sound like panic attacks, maybe they're mental breakdowns? I mean I'm awful most of the time anyways, But it gets specially hard sometimes. like I feel like I want to tap my foot super hard on the floor (kicking it?!) and one time I even kept tapping the mouse super hard to the desk that I felt like I was gonna break it