This is what I dreaded when the breakup happened two weeks ago.

I thought I was surprisingly, suspiciously okay. But now, I'm not okay at all. I don't know if it has to do with that alone, or if it's just a combination of things. All I know is that I cannot stop ruminating on how bad a person I was to him, how he has a gazillion friends and I don't. How I have been such a bad person in the past that I've pushed even my family away. How people hate me. How I must have been so crazy he just couldn't deal with me anymore. I don't care if he was a bad person...I'm probably worse, and I deserved it.

I am starting to have panic attacks when I think of going back to work after my foot heals. I only have 4-6 weeks left. I was just reading work emails and it's like...I don't know how I'm going to do this. My job is stressful. I look at the "shout outs" from my boss because one nurse made a great call and got a patient to the ICU, and one nurse did this and that and I'm like, I can't do this. I can't function like this. I can barely take care of myself, how am I going to take care of patients? I can't. But I can't go inpatient; I don't feel like it helps me (I've done it several times). And how am I going to tell work that I can't come back because I've had a nervous breakdown? I'm massively, massively in debt. I can't pay my bills on short term disability as it is. What am I going to do if I can't work?

I am going to be 40 years old in exactly 3 weeks. Nothing I saw for myself 20 years ago has happened. I'm so alone, my life is falling apart, and I am drowning. I don't even have plans to celebrate on my birthday. I've mentioned it to my friends, and no one has said anything (no, they aren't planning a party...promise). I don't think I can bear sitting home alone on my 40th like I did on my 30th. I swore then that, by now, I would not be in the same place. And it's like nothing has changed.

What makes me sad is that, when I still thought J cared about and wanted me, I felt like a normal woman. Like, I had career and relationship goals. He reached out to me and made me feel wanted. Now, I might as well be invisible.

I honestly, honestly don't want to be here anymore. And it isn't all because of him. I'm just losing the battle against completely breaking down.