I'm not good with emotions, never have been. I'm a very private person and a strong introvert. never been close with my family and never will. I've been wearing a 'mask/face' most of my life. (hiding my depression/MIs) but I'm really nervous about this week...

the funeral for my Grandma is on Wednesday, with the family service/visitation tomorrow evening! this might be the most emotional my family has ever seen me!!! not sure I can maintain my 'face' during those.

last time a grandparent died was nineteen years ago: had two in four and a half months -> I was only a very young teenager and would only cry alone in my bedroom! and that's what I've been doing the past week, crying when I'm by myself (I live alone).

my Grandma had six kids, and I don't want to be an insensitive jacka** and imply that my pain is worse than theirs. but in a way it kinda is- everyone in my family/relatives is "paired". I gots none! but in many ways, my Grandma kinda took that place!

having depression for so long has kinda 'taught' me, in certain terms. I'm use to living daily with aspects of situations my family now goes thru. but the 'loss pain' might be more than I can contain this time. and it is a very uncomfortable feeling, the whole emotional stuff around my family. so how do I do this, keeping my best interests (emotional 'protection' so to speak) in mind???