(((jrae))),

Often what happens to children growing up is when they express their emotions the responses they typically get are "don't cry" and "stop being angry" and "don't be afraid" and because of that they develop a mindset that they are not supposed to "feel" and that if they do "feel" it's an imposition on others around them. This is what leads to a child becoming more and more introverted because no one actually sits with them and gives them permission to "feel", for example, "oh it's ok to cry, that was scary and that was sad and you were frightened and hurt".

One can actually tell that someone lacked that kind of nurturing because they will talk about how uncomfortable they are when it comes to feeling "safe" to express their emotions, especially around family members as you have described in your post as feeling.

So, your Grandma was a very important presence in your life, someone you felt cared and that you could share things with. It's only natural that her passing would bring out a deep grief and loss in you.

Yes, there are times where even though a person is surrounded by family, that person genuinely feels "alone" and can feel very alone with their emotional challenges too. It's very understandable that you feel this way and worry about being around other family members at your grandmother's funeral. When someone passes away, everyone around them will grieve that person in their own way depending on how the one that passed touched them in their own personal way. Your grandmother was "special" to you and you don't have to be ashamed about that. I am sure your grandmother would be so pleased to know that her presence in your life meant so much to you.