No amount of CBT is helping my loneliness. It's not that I am alone, as I live with my parents. But as the late Robin Williams said: The worse thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.

It's not really their fault either. My mother is old, has several medical complications, and I think she is going senile, and my dad has to deal with it practically alone, since he was also a loner and his brother passed away a few years ago. I try to help, but I barely can stand watching her decay. He even still uses his brothers name in the present tense at times. I guess that's just his way of grieving.

No offense to anyone, but trying to reach out online never seems to go anywhere. I know that I ghost, just like anyone else. Probably because the interactions feel shallow and fake. Almost no different than playing a video game with a computer/simulation.

I don't know if I can go back to another therapist. The last time, I missed so many appointments, she decided not to reschedule. Which is fair. Lately, I've been late to everything I try to schedule. Not that it seemed to help anyways. Paying for someone's attention felt empty and an hour never seemed enough.

I've always been a loner and felt alone. At times, it was great to be alone, especially growing up. No one was around to make fun of me, order me around, or complain about their own issues (all the while dismissing any of mine). I'm more excited when people leave and I get to be alone than having to go see people. That thought has been so ingrained, I doubt that will ever change.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. Venting? A futile attempt? Or just wasting time so I have an excuse not to go 'interact' with my parents. It'd be nice to say I'm just going through a phase, but at 32....I just feel like giving up.