I adore my psychologist, and in my heart I would like to repair the relationship and stay. However, we are in a stuck place, that hurts me and to which he seems indifferent- another day, another patient.

I have vastly improved and grown with him; I have struggled and suffered too. It has hurt my real life relationships, bc T has a weird command presence. and I look to him first and most. Hehe, he does not ( appropriately) return the favor.

Actually he seems less into me then when he was fascinated by my "extreme" case and the street cred factor of the case ; my nightmares are now his hoh hum yawn. Mainly his empathy has dwindled lots.

He used to say, stay the course, I will be right with you; now he say I am a doctor and you are my patient, this is a medical procedure.

It is almost funny like when an early romance gives way to daily life. Except these are serious taboo topics and he has pushed, so,so hard .

I really care for the history we have and the work we have done, but I feel cheapened now by my crying after sessions while he buys his kids tickets to Hamilton and clips his fingernails .

I walked out mid session today for the first time ever. I never act out- I know it is wrong communication. I was bored and not connected. I have never left through the tears,dissociation,fights, prolonged exposures, the hard stuff nor skipped a session.

Should I ghost? I have tried hard to communicate how unhappy I am.

I went and saw a different T ,but my relationship with T1 preoccupies me.

The other T is much looser, hugs, and went 70 minutes, but I cant imagine telling him real things. I am trauma-bonded to my real T I guess, imprinted like a duckling.

I still feel like I would like to stay with my first( and only ) T, because I am clear he is a splendid person and councilor with rock solid ethics. It is just that he is harsh, and not listening right now.

I feel like my pride and heart has taken about all I can/ should romsomeone who implored me to trust him.