And now more of the drinking content, for those interested (please no judgment on this--I'm working on it):

I said I guessed what I really should talk about today is drinking, that I'm still drinking too much. He asked why I felt it was important right now. I said because I thought I had done poorly with it over the weekend. That I kept trying to set goals for myself (like not drinking more than x drinks a week), then not meeting them. That the methods I'm trying aren't working. That a couple things have concerned me, like what time I start drinking some days.

T seemed very nonjudgmental and accepting in hearing all these things. (And he didn't bring his own drinking habits--one glass of wine a week--into it like he did last time--even though that he said he didn't mean judgmentally.) He just kept asking me questions and listening. Which was really important. Because if I feel like I'm being judged, I tend to shut down.

He talked about how it could help me to come up with a list of reasons that I wanted to drink less, then maybe look at that list twice a day. I said how I felt bad because I worried about my health in terms of my D, but then (crying) that I felt awful if wanting to be healthy for her wasn't enough of a reason to get me to cut back/stop. I said I guessed that's what made it an addiction though...He agreed. Again, did not seem judgmental.

I said how I felt like I should have the willpower to stop. He said willpower doesn't generally work for anyone, that "willpower is s**t (which amused me because he rarely curses). He gave example of trying to eat healthier, having doughnuts in the house, maybe avoiding them for a week--adding "I don't know what kind of doughnuts you'd have in the house that long" and I said, "Maybe Hostess brand ones?" and he said, "There you go then." But basically, maybe you hold off for a week, then something bad happens, and you eat them.

He seemed pretty knowledgeable about addiction in general, talking about the difference between someone who just kind of likes beer and has one once in a while compared to someone who has a stronger relationship with it. How he could likely ask me about beer, and I could probably go on for 20 minutes about it. I said that seemed right. He said it can be harder to stop because it's tied in with so many things in my life.

A big one is that my H also drinks a fair amount and doesn't think it's a problem for him--even though he'll often say he should cut back. And then he won't drink for a couple days, then will go right back to how he was. T said that's a huge factor. How if I could get H at least somewhat on board with it, that could be really helpful to me. I said how it had come up in marriage counseling before, but because H said he didn't feel it was a problem for him, since he does it for fun vs. my use of it to some extent for self-medicating. So we never came up with a solution. Plus MC seemed kind of holier-than-thou about the issue, so that didn't help.

Talked about cutting back vs. stopping entirely, since in the past, I had gone through long periods where I either drank moderately or stopped completely (including pregnancy and breastfeeding). So I felt like I could manage moderation. He said how it probably crept up on me, like the proverbial frog in a pot of water coming to a boil (where it just gets gradually hotter till it's too late). How maybe I had been moderate...but then gradually became a heavier drinker. And that if I wanted to moderate vs. stop, it could be doable, but would take more rules and goals, so would be more challenging.

Something interesting he said is that I also need to consider the things I'd give up if I stopped (or greatly decreased) drinking. I said for one, something to help my anxiety. He agreed, saying if there's something there that can quickly get rid of my anxiety, makes sense to use it. But that there are other (nonmedicated) ways, too, like meditation, light exercise, breathing exercises. And I said how I just liked the taste of beer, and some of the social stuff around it. He said it can become a bit of a ritual, tied into certain things in my life. Not unlike smoking (I'm a former smoker, but it's been over 10 years, and it was like half pack a day at the most).

Wrapped up about the drinking thing, what next steps were--list why I wanted to stop/cut back, maybe some goals, plus what I'd lose by stopping/reducing alcohol. He said we could discuss more specific goals together and how to address them once I'd done that.