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Originally Posted by mostlylurking
I sometimes think your T (and other "boundary ninjas" too) might be terrified of what might happen if he were not super rigid about every boundary ever. Maybe he had a transgression in the past or maybe he saw it happen to a colleague, who knows. But it does lead him to be harsh I think. Many T's will cross boundaries -- I don't mean the big ones, but some of their general everyday boundaries -- where it is of clear benefit to the client, which in your case right now, it seems like it would be, to help repair things. I know it might feel foreign to meet with a T who is not a boundary ninja, but it might be worth giving it a few sessions. Can you manage two T's for just a few weeks?
I think T's should try to be consistent over time, and certainly shouldn't go in the direction of becoming colder. And -- maybe I shouldn't say this, but -- he made that absurd statement about therapy being a medical procedure on the same day that he -- "apropos of nothing" you had said, brought up affairs. My T says that seemingly random changes of topic can be illuminating and that's why he doesn't direct the conversation in session. Your T made a really cold (and incredibly patronizing) statement about the therapy relationship and then mentioned affairs shortly after that -- I feel like he could be afraid of closeness with clients and if so, I imagine you're being hurt by that. (I know I'm speculating, just sharing my spidey sense on this one? Which is worth what you paid for it!)
If your attempts to explain your feelings just feel like a bid for closeness from him, and he just keeps getting icier and more boundaried because that bid for closeness makes him uncomfortable or afraid -- I'm not sure how to remedy that dynamic. If it were me I would ghost, but then if it were me, I'd have ghosted at the "medical procedure" comment.
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This. This is so right. We had a period of being extremely close, and it seemed he decided to stop that. He didnt talk to me about it though . I think he was caught up in proving he was everything not #me too, and he is tired of it now and is kind of a guy's guy in a conventional way- kind but not interested in sensitive gender issues.
He treated returning military and speicial opps who needed to process horrible things they saw before going home to the USA using prolonged exposure therapy. Short intense therapy .
I dont know if he likes private practice or longer term clients overall, but there is a dynamic that is weird, about his wife being iffy about him treating female clients or something like that. He has made passing comments over time, and he works a four day week to be intensively there for his family. I am not allowed to ask questions, so I dont. But back when I was one of the first patients of the new practice, and things were more relaxed, I got the inkling she is sick in some way - cancer maybe- or had been in the past.
We went through a stage in which he was hanging on my every word, and giving me so much encouragement- he is a very good writer and really creative and artistic with metaphor in therapy- I enjoy that so much; I think he wasn't used to having a client who was a peer just in terms of acknowledging his insight into books, paintings or whatever. He seemed starved for that type of conversation.
I don't know what happened. It feels like when a relationship breaks up or an affair ends, but there was no affair and nothing even close on either side. He has a 3 foot rule from all clients and a no touching rule.
That affair comment bothers me- sticks out. It is very much like he decided between his wife and me and chose the wife, but there was no affair always awesome boundaries on both sides. He got wrapped up in my story though, and I admit it felt good to have him so curious and tender and trying to be the therapist-as-hero, lending me anger, imagining my world.
Now I have this sense of showing up to the same space, but things are different, and it makes no sense to me and it hurts freshly every session. We keep fighting, and he suddenly wants present himself the reductive way orin this inflated way- can't decide-as the doctor doing medical procedure with the patients. What!? That isnt what I signed up for. Before he said the relationship was everything, was corrective and would change my neurons or something talking to intensely with eye contact like that. ???????? What is happening. I feel the need to take a stand, just for pride sake or to say no to this new paradigm.
Also ,he usually sees me for a fifty minute hour, which I assumed was standard. He told me the standard time is 45 but we go over. This confused me too- what does that mean? No more that?