I miss my ex T because she was my first T who cared, who listened, who tried.

Ultimately my trauma overwhelmed her and she felt really helpless and "de skilled". I thought I broke her...for a long time I blamed myself for being too much for her.

Apparently that's a common reaction for Ts not trained to work with complex trauma.

The withholding made me yearn even more, personally. She broke "rules" of her own, of her supervisor. She was not supposed to allow touch according to her supervisor. She told me "don't tell anyone" after our first touch -- my fingertips to her fingertips while I was weeping distraught.

She would go overtime for me, read books I loaned her (books were relevant to my issues). Read my journals to her. Let me hug her.

I asked for a transitional object after reading on it (blogs from trauma and attachment therapists, posts here on PC). I wanted her to choose a marble (I would have brought the marbles) and have her hold it to "charge" it. She said she had to ask her supervisor. Supervisor said no, that it would "foster dependency". That HURT so much. Supervisor said shouldn't hug, shouldn't go overtime, shouldn't read my journals. "Too dependent".

I waited more than a year before asking current T for a transitional object dye to that. A long time before I asked about a hug too...

Ex T had to go on maternity leave. For 8 sessions, I would have to see another T. Ex T matched all her clients well with their substitute Ts. She chose current T for me and BOTH emphasized they wanted the best for me, regardless of who I chose to continue with. In fact, BOTH felt the OTHER was more suited to me. Ex T because current T is trauma trained in ACT, DBT, schema therapy with trauma and abuse cases. T because she felt ex T had built trust with me.

Current T readily gave me a transitional object when I asked and explained why I wanted / needed one. I wasn't sure if it was a want or need and was terrified of rejection again. She understood easily, and more than that...is willing to try to understand and not outright say no.

T reads my journals, again after understanding it's my way to be as open and trusting as I can (I'm very closed off in sessions). They are extremely lengthy. Thousands of words and can be over 50 sheets of paper typed double sided, 11pt font... (I know I'm so..."needy"...) There was a rupture when I THOUGHT she said I should write less and say more in sessions. I cried and explained why I write so much. She clarified that YES she was afraid I'm using writing to avoid talking. I explained, we talked.

I broke boundaries...Googled her. Told her. I private messaged her on social media. Had a panic attack in session confessing it. She wasn't upset or angry at all. In fact she said that made her realise I "needed" more support. She even apologised for not replying! So we discussed and she's always reminded me that she'll never offer anything she can't sustain AND will never take away anything if it's healthy. So she let's me message, and her boundary is she won't reply.

Thing she did "take away" (sorry, forgot this in my previous posts): Reassuring me when I ask if I'm disgusting. Because it wasn't helping. She said her final answer would be "Never, I will never find you disgusting." I started to ask her almost every session. It caused a rupture and we talked it out. I accepted her decision eventually, and she let me talk about it as much as I wanted.

I recently asked for a card to reinforce self compassion and coping skills. I did not think I would get one but she gifted me a beautiful one in a very moving session.

There was a time when due to my work constraints and her caseload and schedule, I was going 3 weeks or more between sessions. She offered that I can call the clinic and ask them to get her to call me back. This arrangement is still ongoing. I can also call when I need (even though we've resumed our usual fortnightly session frequency) if hours of coping skills hasn't helped much. I've asked her how much I can call, afraid to break a rule. She says "not every day" but emphasized that if it's too much, we will discuss and find ways to beef up my coping.

Recently I asked if I can email her and have her briefly reply via email. My intention was to reduce calling the clinic, which I already only do when desperate. She said she'll think about it. We discussed why I want it. I was open about not knowing if it's a want or a need. She told me that IF she says Yes, she will call rather than email a reply. Because she prefers the immediacy of voice vs text. She promised to think carefully about it and told me several times I'm brave for asking. I on my part was open about my intentions, reasons, fears that I'll escalate in frequency etc. In that same session, she ALSO offered scheduled check ins...which I said I'll think about carefully.

She's also done weekly sessions with me for a brief time when I need.

Point of my whole long post about my T...she understands that containment within session is not enough for some clients depending on their individual issues.

I have a friend who sees her too. She's got DID but only wants to see T once every few months and doesn't seem to need outside contact. T herself has told me that some patients have emailed her, some call her like me.

I've seen some patients arriving for specially scheduled 30 minute sessions outside of regular clinic hours (she does have a lot of flexibility and the clinic allows for 3 billing codes depending on session duration) which she DOESN'T offer me...because it doesn't benefit me. Yes, I was upset when I found out so she explained her clinical judgment that the whole half hour would be spent just opening me up.

... point being...you deserve a flexible T who can meet your needs or at least explain why they can't. Truly.

I understand being really attached to your current T even if a different T would suit your needs better. So I'm not saying "leave your T". But I DO want to say "You may do better with a more flexible T."