I realized something about this past winter (which I so hope is almost over), that the joy and happiness come bubbling up, and I allow them to do so, sort of tip into the wonder of those tiny moments. I remember telling you that first winter, which was so hard it felt like being punched in the gut with grief over and over when I was least expecting it, that I wasn't ready to experience joy yet. Now I am, and it comes all the time-- not for long as joy and happiness tend to-- but I feel more deeply rooted in all the good in my life and willing to accept it. I am more open to the world, so much less afraid, and leaving behind what is no longer right for me (it felt so good to say no the other day to the teaching offer) and moving towards the creative project I have wanted to do for a long time.

I wonder if I will tell you this, as sometimes I am not so generous or outright stingy with the good stuff. No reason for it, as I like the way you acknowledge it when I do without taking ownership or being parent like or what not. But sometimes I am afraid that the good stuff and bringing it outta my head will cause me to lose my grasp on it, and I know trying to hold onto it has the exact opposite effects. But this is one of those times when my intellectual knowledge doesn't square with what I can actually do. If only all the things I know to be true could be followed up with how the rest of me responds.