Awww elmo.. i'm sorry babe... let me know what's going on if you want to vent ok? Miss you in chat.

yeah alex.. i worry that he'll decide he cant deal with me anymore. It's irrational i know but there it is. That feeling of connection is so rare for me in my life.. and you know how powerful the therapy connection can be when it happens.. it grabs my attention for sure. i'm afraid of never feeling it again. i know (i hope) that someday it won't be that way.. that maybe i will feel the connection and just feel good about having that, without the fear of not having it. Sometimes i wish i'd never had it, can't fear losing what you have never experienced.

we did ok tho.. it always surprises me how quickly i feel at ease with him now.. well, ok, *more* at ease than before and more often than before. i was really nervous about going.. but once he started talking i felt ok about him. i am not as afraid of him as i used to be.... there is a comfortableness that is there more. i worry about it disappearing.. about him coming to decide he dislikes me once he knows me.

are you on the month-long break now alex? Have you been state-side yet? i'm around if you feel like you want to talk, or vent or just make contact without having a lot to say. Just send me a PM and i'll know that you just need some kind of company. we all have to try to help each other along the way.