The one thing that I have to grasp onto, when the thoughts of "but I was mean to him," and "but we were horrible to each other and he said I was crazy," is the night the left me in Knoxville, and told me for four hours to prostitute myself to find Uber fare to get back to Maryville. Even after that, I was still trying to say hey, we obviously don't want to speak to each other again but can we just stop this and at least, because we had a friendship before this, try and end this on a civil note? He would have none of it. I was speaking to my friends that night, they were trying to get through to him. And he was nasty to them. They were like, this man is unstable. You need to stop trying. And even after I slept in my car, because after telling me I could stay on his couch before a 10 hour drive home, he ignored me calling and knocking on his door, I still tried to end things in a civil manner. That morning, I invited him for coffee. I said, I understand this is the end. But I don't think it has to end on such a hateful note. He said, "And what good will seeing you do? Go home."

I tried, after every crazy thing he did to end it in a civil manner. And he remained vitriolic. Because, to him, I was done. In fact, those are the words he kept using: "You're done." Not "We're done," or "I'm done." To him, I was used goods, and he had another supply. So, when I think about things being my fault or that I pushed him away, I will try and remember that Sunday night and how I tried to be the sane one in the situation.

Narcissistic rage is real. And it's scary as hell.