He knows the staging of trauma ,and explained it to me , but he isnt concerned about what happens off his watch and he is very strict/firm about sucking it up until the next session.

In his own way, he gives me a privilege of coming 2x a week, and other patients often dont get that kind of time. He is incredibly skilled with techniques-mirroring, motivational interviewing or whatever, and he is attuned in the session.

The problem is it seems so fake, bc he will snap out of it like an alter ego has taken over if he gets defensive or if he wants to tell something logistical before the end of session or he is feuding with his office neighbor the lawyer. It is very weird bc I have no idea what kind of person he really is, though I have spent a zillion hours with him. I think he would be a difficult neighbor real life- kind of unforgiving and not easygoing.

I often find out little things that make feel he has been lying me all along,even though I know he is keeping a neutralish stance as is his belief. Like he let me go on and on about my puppy , and one day the other office brought up a cute Portuguese Water Dog to the floor. You should've seen his face - Immediately I said you hate dogs dont you? He said well I wish you hadn't picked upon that, I am very allergic .

There are ten example of that if there is one. Another example is that I played division I soccer in college, and he asked me lots of questions about soccer, my position, what I learned from coaches and teammates, and he took the stance of knowing nothing about the game. Months later he mentioned he played soccer in high school and college. I felt so, so dumb.

These things make me feel like he is soft core deceiving me all the time, or manipulating me , or just picking and choosing reality. It is really threatening to me for some reason. It may be insignificant, and I have trust issues,but it crops up often .

He might be a great T, and I have liabilities and limits from the past that make me crippled at this kind of relationship, bc certainly I have adored him at times, and enjoyed his quick humor and his really cool metaphors. He is sensitive. It might be I lost a crazy amount of faith in him over the holidays, when I had to face the perpetrator and he was celebrating Boxing Day and beaming. He totally didnt attune that month; for another thing (unfairly since I evoked confidentiallity) and am an adult, I felt like he was a bystander and didnt care enough or personally about me. I put him in a double bind for sure, though just in my head I didnt complain that he didnt care enough. Maybe I wanted him to be a superhero and fix it, and he is a nice suburban dad who cannot fix it?

I am always hurting it seems like. I know we are not supposed use "always" but I feel brokenhearted a high percentage of the time after sessions, and it isnt getting better. I finally tried reaching out, and he was having none of it and told me to save it for the next session. I am not going to beg, but I might ghost. He is really proud of how "firm" his boundaries are, and he isnt going change anything materially.