You’re NOT a freak. I promise you that. Many of us deal with suicidal thoughts, passive or otherwise, especially during an episode. During my last serious depressed episode i literally laid on the couch afraid to move because I was afraid I would act on them. As I slowly got better the thoughts got better too but they were there passively for a good month or so. Now they are gone, but they will be back. My therapist reminds me that’s thoughts themselves can’t hurt me.