Quote:
Originally Posted by Under*Over
Yeah. People I know tend to think of that stuff as funny.
Its not funny looking back on it. Looking back on it is painful, and I feel so ashamed sometimes that some of those things WERE me.
But everyone does things sometimes they arent proud of, and its easy to beat yourself up, or say those things werent you- they WERE you, and its ok. Forgiving yourself and learning to work with yourself is the hardest thing.
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Oh, that last sentence! How very true! I’m certain that the ego/me was influenced by, maybe shaped upon, my mental disorders. And I will publicly say that my thoughts and behaviors were definitely shaped by my disorders — how could it be otherwise? I am ashamed of past, even present, behavior. But I cannot wallow in shame... I’m not much such a big ‘work with (myself)’ person: I’m running too fast to stop myself from giving into my current anger.
The ego/me, I think, is ‘multifaceted,’ just different angles but I’m not separate people, not now. I’m no more a different person with one person than with another — I just present different facets.
I’ve had some slow days recently, but I’m back to the faceted me and I’ve been unable to control my penchant to argue about everything.
But you’re onto something. It is almost refreshing to accept the very worst of one’s behaviors. To admit, yes, the ego/me was involved in everything, but I may have been/may be
influenced by unconventional thinking.
***you don’t have to act so adult, now***
Maybe it’s because I’m old and have been going through this crap for a long time and still have thoughts and behaviors that are just... bizarre. But, no matter how bizarre, I’m the total of how I behave, disorders or no.