I don't believe the romantic/erotic feelings are always based entirely on transference. Yes, they are often a big part of it but I agree with @DP_2017 that it is possible some of the feelings are about the person sitting in front of them. Yes, we never really know who the therapist really is or what they like don't like etc bit if they are being their authentic selves and showing us genuine care, empathy and kindness etc it is possible some of these feelings are real IMO.

I've read many articles that suggest that the transference feelings ARE the therapy and exploring them further can help reveal things that can be helpful to your therapy and growth. On the other hand, some articles also suggest that the feelings can get in the way of therapy when the client focuses on them too much as a form of resistance to exploring other areas. Perhaps this is what your T meant. It sounds like you are focusing so much on the relationship and what your T is and isn't doing. It's hard to know from your post if it is helping you or hindering you. I found journaling help me to explore the feelings further. I think for me they are a mix of both. They are a big part of my therapy but also at times I think I focus on them to distract me from other things. Not sure that helps at all.