Hello,

I see this as a common issue among many users but my mother disapproves of my current boyfriend. When I first began our relationship I was hesitant to tell her as it made me sick just thinking about addressing it. As assumed it went about as well as I thought. I told her confidently that I was dating him and her response was “Are you sure it’s not because he is just there?” (Insinuating that maybe I’m just bored and wanted to date someone). She had never met him personally prior to me telling her this so she had to be judging him off pure appearance alone.

I’ve only dated one guy prior to this relationship and it lasted three years. I did not begin to like my current boyfriend until over two years later. When I date I look for someone I can see having a life with. My previous partner was very much a child and did not want to accept the responsibilities of a mature relationship (which ended in us separating). He was selfish with his time and very focused on what he wanted to do (play games, stream live) and rarely ever took interest in things I liked to do or supported me in my life choices. Despite this, my mother was much more accepting as opposed to my current partner. I can barely bring him up in small casual conversation without getting a disapproving look or negative comment regarding his personality or why I’m with him.

I admire my mother. She has raised two daughters practically on her own. She is strong, independent, and caring. She is also in her late 40s (menopausal), kids are grown, and she suffers from depression. I take into consideration all these aspects but the lack of support from her in regards to my relationship takes a toll on me emotionally.

I currently live in her residence, I work part-time to pay my bills (car/medical etc) and am working in receiving my Bachelors in Elementary Education. I would love to move out into my own place but it is not feasible at the moment. I tell my self to ignore her negativity and keep pushing through until I can get a steady enough income to move out. I think one of the contributors that makes it so hard is because I currently live with her. Barely mentioning my boyfriends name is enough to receive a glare. I don’t relay this information to my boyfriend and I try to offer opportunities for her to get to know him better but she just has such a strong discontent with him. I feel highly uncomfortable just having him in the house.

My boyfriend is 32 and I’m 25, so I acknowledge the seven year age gap. My boyfriend is also African American, and while my mother argues otherwise, I do believe this may be a factor (though not the major focus). He is exmilitary and lives about two hours away. He focuses on his day-to-day; and with my job/school I do the same. We support each other in our choices, when we are with each other we are happy, and we have engaging conversation and similar interest. He acknowledges my goals and pushes me to do better. We have only been dating 8 months now and it’s been great; I can definitely see myself with him but I’m not jumping to the idea of marriage or anything (it’s too soon).

My mother has expressed to me that she feels he will hold me back, essentially stating he is not good enough. He was in the military for several years and since retired he has had jobs such as Walmart, Postal Service, and GameStop. While I understand these are not ideal career options I don’t think someone should be looked down on for doing so. He pays his bills, has a house, a car and is responsible (he is 32 he ought to be). The thing is in the 8 months we’ve been together he has been nothing but supportive and has never got in the way of me and school. In fact, he gets on me when I miss a class or will even cancel plans/reschedule if he knows I have work I need to get done. I told her he wouldn’t hold me back and actually pushes me to do more and work harder, but it doesn’t really matter what I say. My mother is very strong-willed, if her mind is set it’s like trying to talk to a brick wall.

In addition my mother also dislikes his attitude; my boyfriend is one of those people who acts like a know-it-all at times and this gets under my moms skin (which is understandable). We differ on this aspect, though his demeanor is cocky at times it’s stimulating conversation to challenge it and often times I end up learning something or he does. It doesn’t seem like a negative to me (now that I mention this I also have a best friend who exhibits that same kind of behavior and my mom isn’t too keen of her, but she’s been there for me almost 11 Years now) My mom has a “it’s my way, or the highway” kind of attitude and it’s a lot to take sometimes especially in regard to my relationship.

I feel I already know the advice: just do what makes you happy (so long as no one is getting hurt). My mother means so much to me, as does my family, and I hate not having their support...but it is my life I’m living, not theirs. Regardless the overall outcome of my situation I hope I can filter out the negativity and be happy with the decisions I make.

I’d love any additional advice; or if someone feels differently (it’s refreshing to have an audience who isn’t bias toward the situation). It felt relieving to write all this down since I really have no one I can turn to on the subject.