Well.

Again.

I’ve said this too many times here.

This place sucks!!

There are things that are more real now.

So there’s that.

For the past few nights I’ve set out to numb myself.

Nothing major, Yuengling isn’t hard but it isn’t hard enough to get me to numb like I wanted.

I talked to my h about where I’m at.

I journaled today, freely, and it found me.

He heard me and didn’t judge me.

There’s still no feeling of mattering to anyone. He heard me but it was just listening and not a heart connection.

He left me here to have some time to myself and that is so not what I wanted.

I did want to heard and I wanted to be comforted.

I KNOW that’s not going to happen but it’s what I’ve wanted always.

To matter.

I know that what I feel that I cannot see is real.

That’s staggering.

I wish it wasn’t so but my heart tells me it is.

What do I do with that?

I don’t know.

That is the true question of the real healing.

Right?

It is late and maybe the Yuengling had a beneficial effect.

I think I’m sleepy.

I’m rambling but thank you for hearing me.