First, I’m sorry this is happening. I have 3 kids married for 21 years. The last nine have been miserable. My wife claims she is physically attracted to me yet she never initiates, flirts, or does anything I ask. I have been diagnosed with psychogenic anorgasmia meaning I can go for hours trying to have an orgasm with her, but can easily have one with manual
Stimulation. I have been to counselors and therapists for nine years and had very little improvement. I know I love her, but I desire physical demonstrates intimacy. (For those of you who may think I am not reciprocating “her” needs, she has said in and out of therapy that I fulfill her needs and if she develops a new one, I address it. She admits freely that I am an attentive loving husband who sexually fulfills her. Meanwhile, her contribution is to agree to sex whenever I ask. It’s like having a willing sex slave who could not care less about what is happening. This has made me feel completely worthless as a man and has destroyed my masculinity.

Here are some common themes that I find in all of these forums-
1. She is exhausted due to (insert issue, like kids or job etc) however, when it is something important to her, she has energy, excitement, and enthusiasm to spare. My advice for any woman claiming exhaustion is this- any physical effect such as fatigue that is chronic is a medical issue that should be addressed. I spent thousands of dollars on childcare to ensure we went on a romantic date once per week to avoid burn out for both of us. I also took on most of the household chores and night duty with the infants even though I had a full time job.

2. Claims that she isn’t attractive- this too is common and again, my experience has simply meant she has had umpteen diet fads, gym memberships, and wardrobes of clothes, many of which I picked for her as gifts. We are in granny panties now that are old and frankly, disgusting. But if I pick out underwear that might be like a conservative brief, because I see her as sexy, it gets thrown out.

3. Different sex needs- in your case she seems like she wants different. You seem uncomfortable. Here is an area I would ask you this- do you have direct experience that you cannot stand what she desires? If you don’t, she interprets that as shame, and rejection. There is a sex compatibility quiz. You both take it separately and it only shows the results where you both agree. In my case, I want my wife to be more assertive. She will not even try.

4. Kids...this is my biggest regret. Here is why. I love my family- kids wife dog the whole thing. But for nine years I have been miserable. This has taken a toll. Only now do I see it clearly. I am sarcastic, quiet, and everyone thinks I am angry when I just listen as I don’t think people are much interested in me. My regret is that I spent tens of thousands of dollars on therapy, from personal when she was convinced I was the problem, to couples, to her individual, to sex therapy that she compromised by not following agreed to work. The time spent working on these problems caused issues at work, and stole time from my kids. It also robbed me of having an intimate relationship with someone who was willing to fulfill my need of physical attraction/intimacy. My regret is that I didn’t leave her 10 years ago avoiding all of this mess. I would have at least avoided the emotional distress caused by this and perhaps have a more meaningful and deep relationship with others and my kids. They walk around on eggshells because they know we are not well, and that makes me sad. So if you are staying for the kids, think really hard about that. Mine are getting ready to leave for their lives, and it hurts me to realize all that I missed because of the hours in therapy, the money I could have spent on experiences, and perhaps even finding the right person for me.

5. Think hard about what is the break even situation that you would feel fulfilled and safe to have with her. Then make absolutely sure that is possible. If there is anything that causes pause, listen to that. I have been on so many of these boards relative to these issues and frankly, none end well. Honestly, I am an anomaly. I am 48 years old, I have an irreversible vasectomy, and there is little to no chance that I will ever be able to have a life fulfilled now. I wish you well, and hope things work for you, but also think this is an opportunity to find someone who is at least a partner in physical intimacy. I have not had that, and it doesn’t look like I will. That is the most lonely thing in the world- I leave you with this- lonely is t the lack of friends or relationships. Lonely is not being understood by those who supposedly love you.