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Originally Posted by Quarter life
I too lament the years lost and opportunities squandered. Time has seemed to stand still for me, years & years of wading through bouts of debilitating depression, coupled with my fear and dread of the world.
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Thanks for your post, I'm just not sure why you use the word "too". I wasn't talking about the past, I'm talking about how I'm reactive in a crazy way in the present.
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So where to from here?...how do we find our place in the world? A place where our endeavors are valued? A place where we can strive, accomplish and be all the better for it? Well to start with we need to be realistic….
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Honestly, I don't like to try and be too realistic here because then the conclusion is "oh it's whatever then, this is unsolvable, just vegetate for the rest of your life". This, when I'm in stoic mode. Sometimes it's suicidal thoughts instead. The way I can avoid this realistic mode is by trying to look for some solution and then I waste the day on reading up on these issues, psychology articles etc... so that also doesn't take me forward.
That reality is:
1. I have no relationships and it turns out I also have no way to build them and my emotional side is almost like psychotic with how crazy it's gone about all this.
2. I have a motivation issue, very hard to get down to work. It seems very tiring to even try. It is very hard to get my brain to load up the dopamine or whatever it needs for that.
2) is especially upsetting because after 1) failed I decided to try and get work to be functional again at least in that area of life, but it turned out to be like this...
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Mental illness bought on by an accident of birth, trauma, environment, faulty brain chemistry or associated illness/circumstances… is for all of us a heavy cross to bear, and is almost always exacerbated by those around us who perpetually tell us that we just aren't good enough, that we are damaged, that we have no value as citizens of the world.....a heartbreaking waste of life.
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Luckily I'm not getting told that. I live alone, and I always hid all this from family members. I'm sorry if you were told such criticism.
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I would have loved to have been a dancer…but at my stage in life this just isn’t going to happen. However…I do have skills, bankable skills that I have slowly nurtured over my years of dark exile.
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I used to have bankable skills too that I actually did develop when I chose to go into isolation from people a long time ago. But then I did not yet have this motivation issue as much as now.
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Yet choosing how and where to use these skills is the hard part…Self doubt, fear of ridicule, and indeed failure all come into play causing us to procrastinate and bemoan the inertia of our lives. I spent many many years in therapy and medicated...it wasn’t until I started implementing changes by modifying my thinking and behavior that I began to move forward...It was like the gears on my life had been out of whack, the only way forward it seemed was to realign them.
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I have no idea how I realign the two things listed above.
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Several years ago...I took a long hard look at my list of personal beliefs and my reactions to the world, including my constant worrying of what others thought of me. Some of my ideas were keeping me safe, but most were toxic, outdated or downright ridiculous. I have now come to appreciate that 99% of people care little about what I think or what I do...they care more about their own lives. I now understand that I can’t wait around for others to tolerate, validate, laud or honour me...I must do that for myself. The worst choice we can make is waiting for others to choose for us, or waiting for permission to choose, as we may spend our lives choosing nothing at all.
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OK just want to be sure I'm clear enough about expressing what my issue is - I'm not looking for validation or laudation of me. I'm looking for close friendship and romantic relationship with affection.
I don't get the idea on waiting for others to choose for me lol (sorry but I really don't get that).
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Should I have chosen sooner?... of course I should have, but what is more important is that I have chosen NOW…and am so excited to see what the world has in store for me.
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I'm glad your life is being sorted out! Good luck & enjoy.
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I wish you all the best in moving forward tevelygo.....find your place and live to it, live to the fullness of it. That really is all that's required imo.
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Unfortunately no, I can't live it to the fullness of it. I wanted that but see my two problems above.
