So in a freak turn of events, I have met a man. I shouldn’t be getting into a relationship right now but hey, yolo right. I of all people know that. It’s going to take a LONG time to trust that he’s genuine and not just stringing me along or something but I don’t WANT to be this ****ed up bitter person anymore. He inspires me to be better.

The anniversary of my husband’s death is quickly approaching. I don’t know if I’ll be with this man by then, but it doesn’t matter. My mother in law always want to go to the cemetery on the anniversary and I hate ****ing going but you better bet I’m taking my *** there this year and I’m really gonna give my husband what for. I’m gonna keep it quiet because everyone will be around but if I could I would scream at him. I’m gonna start writing again. I’m a little scared to do so because I’m acared of this rage. But I can’t live like this. If it works out with this new man, I don’t want to constantly be suspicious of him. I want to choose to trust him and if I get burned...so be it. At least I’ll have experienced something.

I just wish I could hear my husband say he’s sorry. I know he is. I know even though his actions say differently, he loved us more than anything. Except drugs. But I want to hear him say it. That’s impossible, I know. I don’t really believe in signs or an afterlife.but if I could just know for sure he’s sorry...

Anyway I’m working on it and myself. I hate living like this. And I don’t have to.