I don't think sh is a good thing. I keep it well hidden. But I don't want to give it up. It is helping to balance the immense emotional pain. I don't feel those overwhelming negative, painfully emotions when I am with my therapist, but even with my kids and my husband, who are not the source of the pain, the pain is there, even if it is just a trickle. I've tried on-line crisis chats - one said I was next in line for over 30 mins. Another kinda freaked out when I mentioned sh. So much for feeling supported. T can only see me once a week and I don't think she has any idea of what this pain is really like. I can email but I cannot call. Email responses are prompt but mostly say, 'let's talk about this next time.' But sh can buy me two or three days of lessened emotional garbage taking over my thoughts.

I'm not sure what I am attempting to achieve with this message. I guess it just helps to write it out. Thanks for reading.