Hi everyone,

Well I did go to T today. This morning I was in such bad shape that I was flooding.

I have had dreams the past two nights that brought up memories of past abuse. This morning, I was crying in the car on the way to work. I called T and asked him to leave me a message that he would be there for me later on. He did. It was perfect, soothing and inviting. He left a message telling me that I was safe and that he was there and would see me at 5 o'clock and it was a good place to be. So intuitively, he knew exactly what I needed to hear. Or was it that I was able to ask for what I needed?

When I arrived at his office I sat in the waiting room for five minutes and meditated. By the time I went in to T's office, I was calm and ready to reclaim my voice. I was able to articulate my need to resolve the current rupture so that I could move forward into next week without the emotional turmoil I have been experiencing. (Next week I have some medical concerns to attend to and I want my head to be screwed on right.)

I said, "I need to be here, now, in this space, with you." He knew exactly what I meant--that I was ready to engage in real time and explain to him what I had been bringing to the table over the past few weeks. I told him a tale of two fathers I experienced growing up--one an abusive alcoholic--the other, a loving father who was an entertaining conversationalist, and how I had transferred this onto him and experienced two T's. There was so much more but suffice it to say we are back on track. And, I didn't give up anything I wasn't ready to!

I will tell you guys this--I was so desperate and despondent these past few days. I was actually ready to march across the hallway and use the therapist who is in the office next to him. The working through is extremely painful and it is the pain of abandonment.

The layers of experience upon which we build our context of the world truly amaze me.

Peace