WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!?

my mind wants me to be alone, to run everyone off, to hate myself, to hate my life!

its always my fault over nothing! i cant do it anymore, why does it keep happening

why cant i fix it, why cant i make it stop, why is it so much, so intense, so demanding... why does it insist on ruining everything i have, everything im trying to build, destroying me

i want a life... i want to be happy... i want peace...

how do i let go of insecurity... how do i let go of needing approval... acceptance...
how do i just be a person that does him and is ok because he is trying his best, knowing that hes doing right and good not letting the bad things get to him, how do i be stronger, how do i control this!

it doesnt make sense... i just need to stop it....

im going to lose another friend over this.... because i cant handle the aloneness... feeling like they hate me... and are going to leave... disappear...

how do i stop getting strength from others... and get strength from my dreams and desires... goals... strength from accomplishments... but none of it matters unless there is someone with me... its like i dont care, i just want to die, but i dont... and i care so much and want to be happy and make a life...
but im so alone... like whats the point in anything if there is no one to share it with...
to spend time with... to trust.... to know... to ... you know...?

i am so confused... and dont know what to do...
i dont know what is happening when im like this... besides hurt... im in pain... so much..
i just ... cant control it...

im going to fail... if it happens i dont think i could live with myself anymore...