sorry... i guess its been a bad day... been getting triggered a lot... but its not triggering reactions..?

seems to be building up underneath till i cant anymore and everything changes

like repression? but its not really by choice, more of dont have any other options and its automatic, just trying to get so much done... and TRYing to cope... but think im not coping as well as i thought i was...

trying to make REAL friends too... and seeking love.. the relationship stuff hurts and is scary and i know its really triggering...
since i made this one friend things were going pretty good, but she got a job and like.. we arent talking much... and i just feel empty... depressed... like i lost my strength.. lost sight of what i was going for... nhilistic... like... even if i accomplish all of this i will still be broken... still fall apart... hurt and be in pain... lonely... with no real reason to survive or prolong the pain... or the fight to heal a mortal wound...

but i am lost... and stubborn... and scared... and i dont know what to do... how to cope... how to feel confident in myself or trust myself, believe in myself, because i dont think those things exist in me... i dont have a me... i just am empty.. and whatever i can be to survive... a chameleon, or man of many souls...

i want it to stop... to get better... i want to feel complete, whole... i want to trust myself and believe. i want to succeed... i want a life... happiness... and a purpose... a reason to keep going...

the way i open up and talk to people online maybe isnt healthy... because i feel closer to them than they are to me, than they do to me... and its very different from my behavior in life, which i imagine if i learned to trust someone... then maybe i could open up the same way and let whatever is inside come out... but its hard to practice online because so many untrustworthy peoples... been hurt so much online... which just makes it harder to believe in real life... too scared to try in life... so my selves just hide inside and leaving the shape shifter to masquerade around earth trying to fit in... miserable... alone... never fitting in... always trying to cover tracks and not let anyone see how different it is from moment to moment... the camoflage flickering in the light... must keep everyone distracted and focused on something else, themselves mostly... because i have no self... and cant let that secret out because no one ever understands the me... whatever i am... think im lieing or manipulative... and its not true... im just scared... and alone... and want all of this to stop..