Idk what to say from here. I'm actually thinking of getting my self checked into a psycheward. My family is on edge with me as it is with my moodswings getting worse. On top of today was a ****ed up day for me. Excuse lang. My anxiety was pretty high so I was up all night. Had vivid dreams again. They won't go away at all. I feel like they are getting worse. My sleep is rough. I haven't gotten much sleep. I keep yelling at my family, getting irritated, *****y, etc. I'm jumpy. I just spoke to my cousin who suffers from BPII as well. She said she's been there. Been in the hospital 9 times. I'm afraid I'll end up there. I just want my life back. I'm afraid to sleep. I've been confused during the day. My dreams are freaky. I've been worrying too much about my mental illness. Anxiety, bipolar, etc. I feel like a mess. I had a dream that was too realistic where I thought I was at Dave and Busters talking to an actual employee. And the room got big filled with College kids my anxiety got bad in the dream. I had to step out side in the dream. Then I keep seeing clowns in my dreams and keep dreaming about me having mood swing episodes. I wake up with a confused feeling asking my self wtf is happening to me. I feel like I need a friend right now. I feel like I'm becoming completely unstable. I'm having a hard time seeing. It's 11:10pm And I feel like I'm in a dream like state. I'm not sure if thats from the anxiety or not. I don't know what to do. I'm freaking scared that I feel like I'm losing my self. On top my thoughts rushing again. I refuse to go to the psycheward. Because I'm the type of person they would keep there permanently. I hate feeling down and negative. I hate my mood shifts. I don't want to end up like my cousin ending up in the psychward all the time. I heard my parents talking about me. They are getting sick of it. I feel like I'm bringing them down. On top of that if I went to the ward my parents would probably just leave me there. They aren't bad people. But the way things are turning out if this gets worse I might not have a choice because poor people like me can't afford help.