Yes, you always are.

I was pushing at closing to make sure I can get the mortgage posted in my account soon so I can setup auto payments. They seemed really taken aback by my insistence and ended up having to tell them why. I am shocked they didn't ask if I had ever been judged incompetent. Especially after a few minor episodes where I started shaking uncontrollably and could barely understand what was going on. I am happy my realtor was there to explain everything. I didn't trust anyone else in this process except her. I trust her unconditionally which she earned over and over again. That kind of scares me, I don't trust easy.

I don't know if it will be a seizure, I expect it will be. It could be MH. For over a month I haven't fell asleep before 2AM and haven't slept past 7AM, usually I am up earlier than that. What wakes me are severe anxiety attacks. I kind of want to go in and see a pdoc, but am deathly afraid of them trying to force meds. I am not ready for that again, at least not yet.

What is stressing me out at the moment is kind of dumb. I did something entirely out of character and let her take a picture of me. It was an advertisement type picture. Like "check this out, I am so good I even got this idiot a house" It was me and my daughter and granddaughter holding a sign in front of the new house. I guess that is a common thing. It really bothered me to get my picture taken, it always does. What is worse is that I let her post it publicly in her various business pages and even her personal FB page, but I can't stress enough how out of character that is. I did it because I want to help her as much as I can. There has never been a picture of me on the Internet before, at least publicly accessible or even on FB regardless of privacy settings. I work hard to stay invisible online(and in person if I am being honest). It really bothers me that people I went to high school with all those centuries ago have seen it and commented on it.

Why? I don't know. I think it goes beyond the fact I am ugly, but I really don't know. Most people don't care but here I am obsessing about it when I have much bigger things coming up, like fixing up the house and most importantly getting a visit from my grandson.