Today was my first session in 17 days--way too soon after the long holiday break to have another gap.

As I’ve written before, I’ve been having trouble with the whole therapist/divorce coach dichotomy, and have felt that T is often stuck in coach mode, even when I go for therapy. I’ve felt both frustrated and sad that my therapist has been missing in action. All he has seemed to want to talk about for the last couple of months is the divorce, the divorce, the divorce. When I try to talk about something else, he listens politely, spends a few token minutes on it, then dismisses the topic by saying “what else?”

Well, today he was my therapist. Maybe my need drew him out.

The beginning wasn’t promising, as he sat at his desk, far, far away, checking emails on his laptop, and called over to me, “what happens next in the process?” I knew very well he meant the divorce process, but I was getting sick of him being so directive and only wanting to talk about the divorce, so I hesitated as if I wasn’t quite sure what he meant, and said, “you come over here and sit down and we talk for an hour.” He laughed and said, "I know that." Well, I was half joking but half very serious. I am here for therapy, and this is how it works—you sit with me and we talk. Capische?

After talking a bit about the D, as well as some recent stuff, like my surgery, I get the dreaded “what else?” I told him it was hard being back with him after so long. Why? he asked. Because so much happens in that time and I don't know what to talk about, I said. I have to figure out what is most important. And, I feel shy, I added. He smiled and said, let’s sit in that shyness for a while. And we sat, and then I don’t know what came over me but I started feeling really sad. He watched me struggle with that and finally I told him I was suddenly feeling so upset. I started crying. And this stuff that had happened in the last couple of weeks (with my husband) that had hurt me and made me sad came out of nowhere and plunked itself in the room with us. I had not even really known I was hurt by this stuff. And suddenly there it was, for me to feel, while T is sitting right across from me. This bewildered me. I said, “I didn’t come here today to feel this way. I didn’t even know I felt this way. Why is this happening?” And he said, “because when you said you were feeling shy, I sidled right up to your shyness and felt it too, and you felt our attunement and the rest came out for me to share in too. Go ahead.” I cried some more and we had a really good talk about what I was feeling and why I was sad. I made connections to the past and with his help, figured some things out.

Mixed in with this, he talked about “us” (me and him) and said some really warm and inclusive things (when he says such things about “us”, I am so overwhelmed I cannot respond and go totally mute). He told me what he is going to help me with in the future (a treatment plan?! ). And he ended the session with some self-disclosure and drew parallels between a relationship within his own family and my relationship with my husband. This is a pattern from some of our best times together, that he ends with some self disclosure that gives more context and meaning to what I am experiencing and feeling. It really draws us closer when he shares like this. And it also helps me climb out of the intensity of my emotions by allowing me to shift my focus to him. This helps me be able to stand up and leave in a functional way.

He gave me a big hug on the way out. I just felt so warm and listened to as I left, my feelings so “sidled up to” as he had said. There was some healing that went on today. Sometimes I do feel there are mystical, magical moments in therapy, and I guess a lot of those are ones like this of strong attunement.