T today. Went back and sat down. Commented on the weather and snow days the past couple days. I said how I'd really struggled on D's days off, especially Wednesday, when I had lots of work due. Gave more detail of that day and how I felt like H wasn't being as helpful as I'd wanted him to be. T seemed understanding and empathic.

During that, I started to say something, I forget what, and then corrected my own grammar midsentence. He laughed and commented on how I did that, then asked if I'm able to keep from doing that (I'm an editor by trade). I said it's hard to not do it, and "It's something I have to work at." To which he said, "Like ending a sentence with 'at'?" I laughed and said "Yes, like that!"

I told him about Thursday night and the fight I had with H while we were out at dinner. How, maybe I was raising my voice a bit, but I definitely wasn't shouting, and the restaurant was pretty loud. But H said to me, "Use your inside voice." Which angered me, because he was talking to me like he talks to our 6-year-old daughter. I told T I was ashamed to share what I did next because I know it was bad. He asked what it was. I said I flipped him off (like flipped my middle finger at him). T said that's not so bad. How apparently what H said just went "Pow!" in my head. I said I knew I shouldn't have done it, that it was disrespectful, but I felt H had been disrespectful of me in saying that. T commented on how he was talking to me like a 3-year-old.

I said how in the past I would have just heard what he said and felt bad, but not done anything back. How in the past couple years, it's like I'm fighting back more. But I know I'm doing it wrong. T said it sounds like before I was being passive. Which is only thinking about other person's feelings, not your own. And now I've shifted to aggressive, which is mostly thinking about my own feelings. How the ideal is to be assertive, which is considering both my and the other person's feelings.

He added that it's definitely progress that I am saying something now. But to be more assertive instead, it's like I have to sit with my feelings for a bit before speaking. He compared it to a singing bowl, how in that the sounds swirls a bit much like feelings. And he gave an example of how I could have responded to H that would have been assertive. I forget the exact words, but something like, "It felt condescending when you told me to use my inside voice. I know that I'm talking a bit loudly, but please respond to me as I am an equal adult." How it might still bother him, but is less reactive. That what I did would be most likely to lead to escalation. He said how the first minute of a fight, the tone, tends to predict how the next 14 minutes will go. So basically, if the first person goes on the attack, it's up to the other to determine how to respond.

I talked briefly about how MC hadn't been helpful in dealing with anger/arguments. How he tended to act like everything H did or said was fine, that I just was being too sensitive, stuff like that. T said how I'd made similar comments before, that he seemed to normalize everything H did. I said yes.
Talked some about H's occasional anger issues, like the one time he punched the wall or would say something really disrespectful toward me or would throw an inanimate object at which he was angry (like, his computer isn't working, he throws his mouse). T said he could understand how that happening a couple times would make me live in fear of H hitting that level of anger again. I said yes, and I appreciated him understanding that. How MC just acted like some of those things were common, so no big deal. T: "Just because it's common doesn't mean it's OK." It really helped to hear him say that.

(Note to people reading this: Please don't jump in and talk about how all those expressions of anger are totally OK. I'm writing about my session and my experiences/feelings and how my T is understanding and validating them. I don't want this thread to turn into a "how to express anger" debate.)

We were about 2/3 through the session when I mentioned I'd written the goals about drinking that we'd discussed last session. T said, "I'm sorry, we can talk about them." I said no, that this was helpful, that we can talk about them next time. How I was just letting him know I'd written them. He said, "Well, you still get an A+ for doing your homework!" I laughed and said thanks.

Talked a bit about parenting. T said how when you choose a partner, you never know how they'll respond to different things, like having kids, getting sick, etc. That you just kind of have to cross your fingers and hope. I said that's interesting, because I had just assumed that H would be the "fun parent," because he's more playful, while I'd be stuck as the disciplinarian. But that somehow, H ended up being both the fun one AND the disciplinarian, and I'm just random other stuff. T said that there doesn't just have to be one parent in each role. Like we can *both* be the "fun one," but just in different situations. He gave the example of H roughhousing with her, while maybe I have a tea party with her or play outside with her. I said it helped to hear that.

Was near end of session. I commented on how going twice a week has been helpful to me. Because, on Tuesday, we talked about the drinking stuff. And today we talked about something that had happened this week. How in the past, with going weekly, I'd end up talking about what happened that week, then the bigger issues would keep getting pushed aside. T said maybe I'm just better at focusing on bigger issues now. I said I think it's the twice weekly. And then I added, "But I don't plan to do this in perpet-- forever--I always have trouble saying that word!" He said, "There's no limit on it. You can keep coming twice weekly as long as you want." I thanked him, saying that was good to know. Said I'd heard how some T's limit it to crisis only. He said, "That's insurance." I said yes, but I thought also some T's. How my insurance had seemed OK giving me out-of-network benefits (60% back) for multiple visits a week so far, but if that changed, I might not be able to afford twice a week. He said he understood that.

Scheduled for next Friday (Tuesday already on books) then I asked to schedule the following Monday (instead of Tuesday) due to D's school schedule/H's vacation. He said "Sure" and found a slot. Paid, shook his hand as he said, "Until next time?" I said yes and "Have a good weekend." He just said "Thanks!" (No wishes back???) I said "It is Friday, right? It's confusing with the snow days." He said, "It is confusing. Yes, it's Friday. Take care." I said "You too" and headed out.