I made an OkCupid profile about a week ago, back when I thought I was "doing okay."

YES, I know how it sounds.

I stopped replying to the people who were talking to me when I was in my most recent tailspin; I totally recognize that, while I'm breaking down, filling the hole with another person isn't what I need.

Here was my thinking, and pretty much what I put on my profile: I'm not looking for anything super serious right now. If it happens, it happens, but right now, I want to go out, have a beer with people, get to know them, and see wheat happens.

I have never dated like a normal person in my life. It has always been "OMG, I am going to find THE ONE asap!!! All I want to do is get married, settle down, have my own little family unit (I don't want kids, so not like that) and just be loved." That's what made it so stinking easy for J to take advantage of me.

Honestly, I just want to go out like a normal female. I was just telling my friend that I may not be emotionally available right now--but "emotionally unavailable" for me, given how far too emotional I've been in the past may be normal emotional for other people.

Anyway. The point is, I just want to go out and have normal dates here and there. To feel like a normal woman going out with a couple of guys (and females--I'm heteroflexible) and see what it feels like for my heart and mind to not have it be this big, clingy thing. Because honestly? I'm not there at all.

Do I want to have a long term relationship with someone some day? I...don't even know. Do I trust people after what happened recently? Sure. Tentatively. As much as I have to in order to have a decent Saturday night or Sunday afternoon with them. Not everyone is like J was to me, and I know the warning signs.

For heaven's sake, I'm going to be forty years old in a very short time. I'm sick of being this total invalid when it comes to dating. Yes, I'm very actively working on healing my heart from this BS with my therapist, but I also just want to get out there, experience life, and have fun.