I don't want to talk about everything that happened. Just a couple of moments. We were talking about something and I was really trying hard to stay present. He noticed and said I was doing a really good job. How I was sitting in an uncomfortable moment really well. That that's been a struggle for me. I said that he had a very poor impression of who I am when I'm unwell (reflecting on VDay2018), and how my mental illness is a part of who I am, but not all of me. He agreed.

I almost cried today. I'll get there again (I hope).

We also talked about authenticity and the therapeutic relationship. He was talking about how part of our work is slowly building trust, relationship building, etc. I said something about how therapy is a false construct. How we aren't friends. He said, "okay true."

I took it a step further and said it's not even imperative that you like me. He said he disagreed. So I said "okay, are you saying that you actually like me?" Then he listed off the typical things people say about me when they say nice things: I'm intelligent, articulate, hard working, and that he admires my integrity in working with my students.

He continued that he said those things because eventually there was going to be conflict in the relationship, and the positive interactions in these moments would help to outweigh the bad. I said "there's already been conflict in our relationship." He said sure. I said "so you're sitting here knowing what happened that night and you want to tell me the only thoughts you've had about me are positive?" He wasn't sure how to respond. I continued that thinking something like, oh she's so stubborn, why won't she just call her husband, etc, is a negative thought about me.

He admitted, after a pause, that he had some thoughts that were like that, but that was on him not me. I said sure, that's your stuff, but it's a reflection of how you feel about me. He finally sighed and agreed. I really appreciated the fact that he was willing to be authentic in his feelings. That he was willing to be authentic versus just talking about the importance of authenticity in the relationship.