Heavy trigger warning for SA

I can't really say he assaulted me, because I thought I was his girlfriend, and I went along with it willingly. But, I later found out I was with a narcissist. I remember the first time we were together, and he was caring--he didn't want to go all the way at first. He was so concerned about making me feel wanted. It would be weeks later before we would be together again. He talked the experience up, made me feel wanted.

But then it came around, and it was like I was an object. I pulled away a few times, but he grabbed me. So I gave in. He barely touched me before he was in the act. I wasn't enjoying it at all. What happened to all of the loving words, the promises? He turned me over, face down, so he wouldn't have to look at me. When it was over, he rolled onto his back, ignoring me, and left me to lie there.

The next time, he looked at me with these dead eyes. When I talked to him, trying to get the mood a little more like what I was used to, he sharply told me to be quiet. And then he was finished. Again, rolled onto his back like I wasn't there. I quietly left to shower.

I told him after that, I wasn't really into the way things were going between us, that we didn't seem compatible. But he pushed anyway. And, then next time, he put me face down again. This time, he yelled at me. And I burst into tears. He was immediately sorry; I think I surprised him. But I said I never wanted to do it again. That night, he raged like I've never seen him rage before. He was a totally different person.

It took me until this week to feel like it was more than just incompatibility, that I was just an object to him. I feel disgusting. I want out of my body.

*TRIGGER*

I've started cutting for the first time in 20 years. I don't feel attractive anymore. I don't feel like a worthwhile being, like I could possibly be wanted by anyone ever again. He'd made me feel like I was special, and wanted. And I'd wanted him for a very long time also. And now, I know it was all a lie.

I hope I didn't upset anyone with this. I just needed to say it.